im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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