i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
