getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
