at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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