I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
