Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
