she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
