i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
