In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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