thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't think brook has ever known best
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i've created a new STD.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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