I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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