oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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