I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
