Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
