I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
