Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
