I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
