im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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