Your mouth is God's brothel.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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