I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
