I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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