I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
