Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
