the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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