I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
