wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
