So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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