You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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