Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
