I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
