the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
