Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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