The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
