MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize