i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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