yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
