Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
