Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
