She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is Oprah even human
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
