i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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