The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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