just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
