Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
