ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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