According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
