she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize