I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i came on her dog
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
