I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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