I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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