uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize