I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
