"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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