how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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