My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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