mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
