I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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