please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
