I wish my penis had an off switch
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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