I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
