all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
