This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
