Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
