my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
