he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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