Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
